


garrett eats ass

by millktea



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Group chat, M/M, Modern Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Modern Thedas, Mutual Pining, References to Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2018-12-23 14:24:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11991672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millktea/pseuds/millktea
Summary: In a wild turn of events Varric decides to make a group chat with all of his friends. The chaos that ensues after that can be imagined with ease.





	1. turning people gay on the first date

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry for this lmao
> 
> usernames:  
> Varric: TheWriter  
> Hawke: dragonlover_  
> Isabela: PirateQueen  
> Fenris: fenris  
> Aveline: gaurd_captain  
> Carver: hawkebrother  
> Merrill: hallahugger  
> Bethany: Bethy_Boo  
> Anders: SerPounceAlot

**TheWriter has added dragonlover_, fenris, PirateQueen, hallahugger, gaurd_captain, and SerPounceAlot to the chat**

 

 

**dragonlover_:** varric what the fuck

 

 

**TheWriter has named the chat “garrett eats ass”**

 

 

**dragonlover_:** VARRIC

 

 

**PirateQueen:** dont even pretend like it isnt true hawke

 

 

**hallahugger:** Ohh hello everyone!!

 

 

**PirateQueen:** hello kitten 

 

 

**fenris:** what,, is this varric?

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** I’d like to know what you’ve put me in.

 

 

**TheWriter:** I just wanted to have a chat with all my friends in it! Is that so bad?

 

 

**fenris:** i know exactly 2 of the people in this chat varric 

 

 

**TheWriter:** Exactly! Its so you guys can get to know each other!

 

 

**dragonlover_:** who in the everloving fuck is ‘SerPounceAlot’???????

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** my cat

 

 

**hallahugger:** YOU HAVE A CAT NAMED SER POUNCE ALOT????

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** yes 

 

 

**hallahugger:** IS HE A REAL KNIGHT?? 

 

 

**hallahugger:** OH DOES HE HAVE A LITTLE SWORD?? OR JUST HIS CLAWS??????

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** im not sure if youre making fun of me or not

 

 

**PirateQueen:** merrill couldnt make fun of something if she tried

 

 

**hallahugger:** What? Yes i can!

 

 

**dragonlover_:** none of this has answered my question

 

 

**fenris:** yes who are you people

 

 

**fenris:** i know varric and isabela but no one else

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** im Anders

 

 

**hallahugger:** My name is Merrill!!

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** Aveline

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** based on the other messages ill guess that dragonlover_ is called Garrett?

 

 

**dragonlover_:** yes but i normally go by Hawke ;0

 

 

**fenris:** ah well i am Fenris

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** yeah that was kind of obvious

 

 

**fenris:** shut up i am not very creative when it comes to usernames

 

 

**dragonlover_:** GASP VARRIC

 

 

**TheWriter:** yes?

 

 

**dragonlover_:** CAN I ADD BETHY N CARVER???

 

 

**TheWriter:** Sure?

 

 

**dragonlover_ has added hawkebrother and Bethy_Boo to the chat**

 

 

**hawkebrother:** Garrett what the fuck is this

 

 

**dragonlover_:** a group chat

 

 

**dragonlover_:** with me n varrics friends

 

 

**fenris:** we just met we are not friends

 

 

**dragonlover_:** i feel attacked

 

 

**Bethy_Boo:** Why is the chat called “garrett eats ass”

 

 

**PirateQueen:** bc he does

 

 

**dragonlover_:** everyone is being so mean to me i cant believe this

 

 

**TheWriter:** Tragic

 

 

**hawkebrother:** How do you even know these people??

 

 

**hawkebrother:** Who the fuck is SerPounceAlot?????

 

 

**SerPounceAlot:** my fucking cat 

 

 

**SerPounceAlot ‘s name has been changed to whothefuckisSerP**

 

 

**PirateQueen:** fuck i ran out of characters

 

 

**whothefuckisSerP:** MY FUCKING CAT

 

**whothefuckisSerP:** hes my fucking cat i already hate all of you

 

 

**TheWriter:** I should not have given you admin privileges

 

 

**TheWriter:** And to answer your question Carver (most of these people you know) I met Anders while I was in Ferelden for work and Isabela matched with fenris on tinder believe it or not

 

 

**PirateQueen:** worst date of my life tbh

 

 

**fenris:** it was not a date.

 

 

**hallahugger:** ooooooo did something dirty happen 

 

 

**PirateQueen:** unfortunately no because halfway through the date he fucking realized he was gay 

 

 

**PirateQueen:** it was magical

 

 

**fenris:** someone delete me from the chat please

 

 

**dragonlover_:** FKNSKLM MOOD

 

 

**Bethy_Boo:** Thats not unlike how Hawkes first date went

 

 

**dragonlover_:** _ bethany hawke dont you fucking dare _

 

 

**Bethy_Boo:** He came home crying because as the date was ending his date said that he “might have to go into therapy after that experience” 

 

 

**TheWriter:** How do you fuck up that badly

 

 

**hawkebrother:** I remember this he said it was because they 1. Saw the most disturbing horror movie in the world and that 2. The restaurant they went to was run by the fucking mafia and they were 80% sure they heard someone get shot in the back room

 

 

**dragonlover_:** dont forget that he also said that making out with me was worse than making out with a dog which i cannot believe because dogs give amazing kisses and im fairly sure my kissing game was and is better than a dogs ://

 

 

**PirateQueen:** nvm that beats it tell fenris he can come back from his corner of shame 

 

 

**dragonlover_:** does that mean i have to go into the corner of shame in his place?

 

 

**PirateQueen:** yes

 

 

**dragonlover_:** well fuck

 

 

**fenris:** that does not beat the worst date i have had

 

 

**dragonlover_:** HOW

 

 

**fenris:** i had two dates with this person because i am a fool but the first time she told me to pick her up and we could go get lunch. she sends me her address and i head over but when i got there it was a trailer park which wasnt a very big deal i assumed it was due to financial reasons. i then found out that she lived with her parents which again wasnt a big deal but her mother insisted that we stay at their place for lunch.

 

 

**dragonlover_:** oh jesus shitting christ

 

 

**fenris:** i didnt know what to do so i agreed and her mother began to reheat a casserole from several weeks before hand. while this was happening my date kept commenting on how short i was

 

 

**whothefuckisSerP:** wait how short are you

 

 

**fenris:** i am an average height for an elf

 

 

**fenris:** anyways she was only a little bit taller than me but she kept putting her hand on my head and saying something like “is it different being a short person?” and it was really awkward but  i just said “no it isnt very different i imagine” 

 

 

**dragonlover_:** as a tall person i would like to make it clear that the world  _ would  _ be different if i was not tall

 

 

**dragonlover_:** but was it i-think-we-just-heard-someone-get-shot-in-the-backroom awkward or i-just-turned-my-date-gay awkward

 

 

**fenris:** probably in the middle

 

 

**fenris:** but it gets worse

 

 

**Bethy_Boo:** How could it get worse???

 

 

**fenris:** well as we were eating this reheated casserole her mother started asking me about my tattoos which i do not like talking about so i was trying in vain to change the subject and eventually my date shouted “CANT YOU SEE YOURE MAKING HIM UNCOFORTABLE?” and dragged me to her room where she asked “do you want to like watch some anime or something?”

 

 

**dragonlover_:** YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID YES AND PUT ON BOKU NO PICO

 

 

**hawkebrother:** GARRETT NO

 

 

**hallahugger:** What is that is it good?

 

 

**PirateQueen:** _ kitten no _

 

 

**dragonlover_:** _ merrill please do not watch that jfc _

 

 

**hallahugger:** :(

 

 

**fenris:** ANYWAYS without waiting for an answer she put on death note which is,,, palatable i suppose so we sat there watching death note until i made some excuse to leave. as i was getting in my car she said that when he have our next date i should go to her church which i tried to refuse but you can guess what date number 2 was

 

 

**dragonlover_:** i cant believe you had 2 whole dates with this person 

 

 

**fenris:** just wait the second date was far worse

 

 

**Bethy_Boo:** Again, how could it get any worse??

 

 

**fenris:** well it turns out her church was in the middle of nowhere so she drove me there and it took well over 3 hours to get there. when we got out of the car we were at this creepy looking barn thing i was 100% convinced that she was going to kill me and as we walked behind the building we see about 10 hooded figures standing in a circle and i bolt. i ran straight back to my car because that was some white nonsense right there and i was not going to be their victim. 

 

 

**dragonlover_:** _ WHAT THE FUUUUUCKK OH MY GOD _

 

 

**fenris:** she tried to explain to me that she thought i was holy or something because i have dark skin and white hair so her and her cult thought i could be a part of their next ritual or something. i had to drive the full 3 hours back to the city with this person

 

 

**PirateQueen:** WHAT THE SHIT 

 

 

**dragonlover_:** _ you have white hair what _

 

 

**fenris:** yes but it is dyed

 

 

**fenris 's name has been changed to mycultssacrifice**

 

 

**mycultssacrifice:** i do not appreciate

 

 

**PirateQueen:** but yeah fenris is fucking hot 

 

 

**dragonlover_:** holy shit

 

 

**TheWriter:** Speaking of weird dates remember when Hawke essentially went on a date with Aveline’s husband

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** Oh my god.

 

 

**dragonlover_ ‘s name has been changed to HomeWrecker**

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** listen here fuckwits

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** it was avelines idea and they werent married @ the time

 

 

**mycultssacrifice:** this i want to hear

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** so aveline was having a hard time asking out her crush and she asked me to help by 1. giving him fucking copper marigolds???????

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** THEY WERE SYMBOLIC

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** SYMBOLIC MY ASS HE THOUGHT I WAS HANDING HIM GARBAGE 

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** 2\. made me change his assignment and he got mad at that and thought it was a punishment

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** IT WAS A SAFE ROUTE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN IMPROVMENT

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** and 3. making me take him to the bar and then aveline would casually saunter up and make her move BUT NO INSTEAD SHE BAILED AND HE THOUGHT I WAS MAKING A MOVE ON HIM

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** _ We are never speaking of this again. _

 

 

**PirateQueen:** it was beautiful

 

 

**hawkebrother:** I, unfortunately, remember that.

 

 

**gaurd_captain:** I’m leaving.

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** whaaatt noooo aveline

 

 

**mycultssacrifice:** i have to go as well i start my shift soon.

 

 

**TheWriter:** Yeah me and Hawke should go too. 

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** ????? what

 

 

**TheWriter:** Remember? You’re forcing me to go looking for dragons with you

 

 

**HomeWrecker:** OH YEAH LETS GO FIND SOME FUCKING DRAGONS

 


	2. almost dying via dragon hell fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Varric almost die, Bethany scolds Hawke, and Fenris decides to fight Hawke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow almost a whole month later do i update nice going me anyway this chapter has actual writing in it so thats cool 
> 
> Usernames:  
> HomeWrecker: hawke  
> hallahugger: merrill  
> PirateQueen: isabela  
> whothefuckisSerP: anders  
> TheWriter: varric  
> gaurd_captain: aveline  
> mycultssacrifice: fenris  
> Bethy_Boo: bethany  
> hawkebrother: carver

**HomeWrecker:** FUKCD

 

 **Bethy_Boo:** Hawke??

 

 **HomeWrecker:** [image.png]

 

 **HomeWrecker:** WE R E GONMA FUCXING DEI

 

 **PirateQueen:** IS THAT AN ACTUAL FUCKING DRAGON

 

 **HomeWrecker:** IF I DI E TELL CAVER IHE FUCKING SUCDKS

 

 **HomeWrecker:** OH SHDUT VARTIC TRIPPED OH MSY GFODS

 

 **HomeWrecker:** I M GONA FUC

 

 **Bethy_Boo:** GARRETT I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DIE I WILL KILL YOU

 

 **hawkebrother:** rest in fuckinng pieces

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** well i guess hawke and varric are dead

 

 **HomeWrecker:** IM OKAY I FELL DOWN A HILL

 

 **HomeWrecker:** VARRIC HAS YET TO CATCH UP

 

 **HomeWrecker:** OH SHIT IM BLEEDING

 

 **hallahugger:** Oh thank the creators youre alright!

 

 **hawkebrother:** how unfortunate

 

 **PirateQueen:** IS VARRIC FUCKING DEAD????????

 

 **HomeWrecker:** HES OKAY TOO

 

 **TheWriter:** _WE NEED TO FUCKING LEAVE_

 

 **Bethy_Boo:** Oh my god get back home before I have a heart attack

  
  


It took 2 hours for Varric and Hawke to get back to the city and 1 of those hours was spent trying desperately to find Hawke’s car. The ride home was mostly silent, both men dazed and exhausted, until Varric said, “I fucking hate you.”

 

“Fair enough.” Hawke responded.

 

“If you ever ask me to go dragon hunting with you again, I’m going to punch you in the dick.”

 

“No you won’t!” Hawke gasped, stealing a glance over at Varric, who was glaring into his lap. “Yes I will.” he said. “Half of the fucking mountain is on fire, Hawke! _Fire!_ ”

 

“That is a gross exaggeration. Only a little bit is on fire, and it’s far enough away from the city that no one will notice for at least a day or two!” at that Varric slumped down in his seat. “I still hate you.” he said. “That’s understandable.” Hawke said.

 

After another long moment of silence Hawke asked, “How fucked up is my face?”

 

“Pretty fucked up.” Varric replied looking over at Hawke. Hawke being the lanky idiot he was had tripped and fallen down a hill, leaving behind a long bloody gash across his nose. “When we get back Bethany will fix you up.” Varric said. “Looks deep though. It’ll probably scar.” Hawke sighed dramatically and spent the entire time at the next light studying his wound and trying to pick away at some of the dried blood that had crusted long the edge of the cut. This however, only resulted in more pain and having to pull into a taco bell to get some napkins to soak up the blood that had begun to flow again. By the time they pulled into Hawke’s drive way, the bleeding had stopped and the pain was replaced by a dry, itchy feeling on Hawke’s nose.

 

“Bethany!” Hawke called into the house “We’re home, and mostly alive!” Just then Hawke was met with the heavy and surprising weight of Dog jumping at him. She had almost knocked him down but Hawke was able to steady himself against the wall. “Hey beautiful,” he cooed “Get down okay, I need to be able to move.” Dog did not listen and instead began lick at Hawke’s chin and neck. Hawke attempted to push her off but immediately felt himself loose his balance so he elected that it was probably best to just let her do her thing.

 

A moment later however, Bethany was tugging at her collar, freeing Hawke from his dog licking prison. Once Dog was down Bethany was dragging Hawke into the bathroom and before he knew exactly what was happening, Bethany was cleaning the cut and scolding him softly.

 

“How did this even happen?” She asked, dabbing at the gash with a wet cloth. “I tripped.” said Hawke, matter-of-factly. “You are such an idiot, Hawke, you know this right?” Hawke sighed and hung his head in shame. “Yes.”

 

“I’m not allowing you to ever go dragon hunting ever again.” Bethany said. “You’re not my mother!” Hawke retorted. “Maybe not but I’m the closest thing you have right now!”

 

“Not true.” Hawke said. “I have Aveline.” Bethany groaned and rolled her eyes.

 

After several more minutes of scolding and prodding at Hawke’s face, the siblings walked out of the bathroom to find Varric, sprawled on the floor with Dog covering 90%of his body. “Guys I’m dead. Dog fucking killed me.” Varric said. Hawke found himself laughing so hard at this that he snorted. Several times. All in a row.

 

“Stop laughing please I’m going to suffocate!” Varric pleaded, but the laugh he was obviously suppressing gave him away. Hawke, being the best friend he could possibly be, pulled out his phone and took a dozen photos of the scene. The last one featured Varric flicking off the camera from under Dog’s head. As Bethany actually helped Varric, Hawke decided he should probably tell the group chat that he and Varric did not die and got away mostly unscathed.

  
  


**PirateQueen:** yeah so thats how i became bffs with my husbands killer

 

 **whothefuckisSerP:** honestly what the fuck

 

 **hallahugger:** Oh that all sounds terribly exciting!

 

 **PirateQueen:** it was awesome i love zevran

 

 **HomeWrecker:** hey guys we’re not actually dead!!

 

 **hawkebrother:** Wow congrats

 

 **HomeWrecker:** stfu assbutt

 

 **HomeWrecker:** we’re not dead but i did get a badass cut on face

 

 **HomeWrecker:** [image.png]

  
  


**Private message from fenris to PirateQueen**

 

 **fenris:** what the hell he’s attractive even with a huge ugly cut on his face

 

 **fenris:** dont,,, tell anyone i said that

 

 **PirateQueen:** yeah ive been trying to get hit that for years dude

 

 **PirateQueen:** and dont worry yr secrets safe with me ;)

 

 **fenris:** thank you

  
  
  


**mycultssacrifice:** how did that even happen

 

 **HomeWrecker:** i tripped and fell down a hill lol

 

 **TheWriter:** Its because hes no gangly that he cant move his long ass legs without falling over

 

 **HomeWrecker:** that is a lie i can walk fine

 

 **hawkebrother:** im fairly sure i was able to walk without mother holding my hand before you could

 

 **HomeWrecker:** why does everyone want to see me cry wtf

 

 **gaurd_captain:** You need to be more careful, Hawke.

 

 **HomeWrecker:** yes mother

 

 **HomeWrecker:** in unrealted news Dog is killing varric

 

 **TheWriter:** *Was. Bethany helped me unlike _someone_ who stood there and took pictures of my suffering

 

 **whothefuckisSerP:** you have a dog??

 

 **HomeWrecker:** yes her name is

 

 **HomeWrecker:** well her name is dog

 

 **PirateQueen:** its almost as terrible as Ser Pounce Alot

 

 **whothefuckisSerP:** get out of my fucking life i hate you

 

 **PirateQueen:** ;)

 

 **hallahugger:** I think Ser Pounce Alot is a great name for a cat!!

 

 **whothefuckisSerP:** thank you merrill

 

 **HomeWrecker:** what about Dog thats a good name right merrill

 

 **PirateQueen:** dont make her lie hawke

 

 **hallahugger:** Thank you Isabela,,,

 

 **HomeWrecker:** i cant believe this no one likes my dogs name

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** im still shocked you didnt die

 

 **HomeWrecker:** me too tbh

 

 **whothefuckisSerP:** wait it just occured to me where the fuck do you guys live?? like where do you find actual live dragons

 

 **HomeWrecker:** kirkwall duh

 

 **PirateQueen:** kirkwall

 

 **TheWriter:** Kirkwall, unfortunately

 

 **hallahugger:** I dont think Kirkwall is too bad sometimes!

 

 **gaurd_captain:** Don’t kid yourself, Merrill.

 

 **hawkebrother:** bethany also lives in Kirkwall with hawke.

 

 **mycultsscarifice:** wow i feel so bad for you

 

 **HomeWrecker:** yeah well where do you live i bet kirkwalls more fun

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** i used to live in tevinter but rn i live in starkhaven and it is 100% better than kirkwall

 

 **Bethy_Boo:** Garrett is going to sue you for that statement Varric might also

 **HomeWrecker:** HEY STARKHAVEN IS ONLY A FEW HOURS AWAY YOU SHOULD COME TO KIRKWALL SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** _TRY ME PRETTY BOY_

 

 **HomeWrecker:** _OKAY LETS GO ILL SEND YOU MY ADDRESS MEET ME IN THE PIT_

 

 **HomeWrecker:** WAIT DID YOU CALL ME PRETTY IM

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** **_THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT_ **

 

 **HomeWrecker:** **_IT IS NOW MOTHERFUCKER ILL SET OUT A BOTTLE OF WINE FOR WHEN YOU GET HERE_ **

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** **_THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC ILL BE IN KIRKWALL IN A FEW WEEKS FOR BUSINESS I CAN KICK YOUR ASS THEN_ **

 

 **HomeWrecker:** **_OKAY SOUNDS GOOD ILL BE BY THE DOCKS WEARING A RED HOODIE WITH A DRAGON ON IT AND YELLING ABOUT HOW MY DOG IS COOL_ **

 

 **mycultssacrifice:** **_SOUNDS PERFECT ILL SEE YOU THEN_ **

 

 **HomeWrecker:** **_OKAY AWESOME I CANT WAIT_ **

 

 **Bethy_Boo:** w what

 

 **TheWriter:** What did i just witness????????

  
**PirateQueen:** the birth of a beautiful romance if they play their cards righ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are happening lmao


	3. malls are hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merrill gets a new phone, and Hawke gets a crush
> 
> usernames!!  
> Hawke: Homewrecker/dragonlover_  
> Varric: TheWriter  
> Fenris: mycultssacrifice/fenris  
> Isabela: PirateQueen  
> Merrill: hallahugger  
> Anders: whothefuckisSerP  
> Aveline: gaurd_captain  
> Carver: hawkebrother  
> Bethany: Bethy_Boo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI IM SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED FOR ??????????????????????? 5 PLUS MONTHS???? IM A MESS
> 
> TO MAKE UP FOR THAT THIS CHAPTER IS LIKE 3 WORDS LONGER THAN THE OTHER 2
> 
> THANK

**Private message from dragonlover_ to TheWriter**

  
  


**dragonlover_:** dude i am actually going to fight fenris? 

 

**TheWriter:** No because you’ll die if you try ://

 

**dragonlover_:** i doubt it i mean hes an elf elves are skinny

 

**TheWriter:** Not fenris 

 

**TheWriter:** I guarantee that youre gonna die if you fight him

 

**dragonlover_:** i sincerely doubt that but ok sure

 

**TheWriter:** [image.png]

 

**dragonlover_:** WHAT THE FUCKK HOW IS HE SO BUFF WHA

 

**dragonlover_:** INSTEAD OF FIGHTING HIM CAN I FUCK HIM?????????? 

 

**TheWriter:** Hawke no

 

**dragonlover_:** **_hawke yes_ **

 

**TheWriter:** Hawke no he will 100% break your fragile fragile heart

 

**dragonlover_:** this is an outrage and you will be hearing from my lawyer

 

**TheWriter:** Bethany isn’t your lawyer

 

**dragonlover_:** ok maybe so but i still want fenris to step on me

 

**TheWriter:** Okay we all do youre not special 

 

**dragonlover_:** >:(

 

**dragonlover_:** does beating me up count as a date

 

**TheWriter:** Makers breath Hawke

 

**dragonlover_:** _ liSTeN _

 

**TheWriter:** Honestly in all the time ive known you that wouldnt be the worst date youve had

 

**dragonlover_:** true but like fight me

 

**TheWriter:** Isnt that Fenris’s job

 

**dragonlover_:** wOW 

  
oOo  
  


**Group chat: garrett eats ass**

  
  


**PirateQueen:** hello fellow gays

 

**TheWriter:** Im 80% sure everyone in this chat is at least bi 

 

**TheWriter:** Including you??

 

**HomeWrecker:** im  ? ?  gay ?

 

**PirateQueen:** 1\. i know youre gay love 2. shut up varric 

 

**mycultssacrifice:** didnt we have an entire conversation about how isabela turned me gay

 

**gaurd_captain:** I’m at least mostly straight.

 

**hawkebrother:** im straight.

 

**TheWriter:** OKAY I GET IT IM WRONG ABOUT YOU GUYS’S SEXUALITIES CHILL

 

**HomeWrecker:** oh my god varrics heterophobic

 

**TheWriter:** Hawke

 

**TheWriter ‘s name has been changed to Heterophobic**

 

**Heterophobic:** _ HAWKE. _

 

**HomeWrecker:** WHAT?

 

**Heterophobic:** I KNOW THAT WAS YOU CHANGE IT BACK.

 

**HomeWrecker:** WHAT?? IT WASN’T ME 

 

**HomeWrecker:** I AM INSULTED THAT YOU THINK I WOULD SLANDER YOUR GOOD NAME LIKE THAT

 

**Heterophobic:** THEN WHO WAS IT

 

**whothefuckisSerP:** me

 

**Heterophobic:** aNDERS WTF

 

**Heterophobic:** _ I TRUSTED YOU _

 

**HomeWrecker:** speaking of trust wheres merrill we have plans to get tea later :0

 

**PirateQueen:** oh shes over at my place

 

**PirateQueen:** she forgot to charge her phone 

 

**PirateQueen:** she says she’ll meet you at your house around 2:00

 

**PirateQueen:** she also says that she loves everyone and that she hopes we’re all having fun

 

**HomeWrecker:** I LOVE YOU TO MERRILL

 

**Heterophobic:** Tell Daisy that i love her too but i am not. Having fun

 

**PirateQueen:** shes sad youre not having fun :(

 

**whothefuckisSerP:** what is she doing @ your house 

 

**PirateQueen:** uhh making out w/ me?? 

 

**PirateQueen:** duh

 

**whothefuckisSerP:** oh thats cool i guess

 

**gaurd_captain:** Don’t ask about Isabela’s private affairs.

 

**Heterophobic:** Yeah its really not a good idea 

 

**HomeWrecker:** hey bela is it cool if i just come pick merrill up like??  in 20 min?

 

**PirateQueen:** she says thats fine!!!

 

**HomeWrecker:** sweet see you soon ;0

  
oOo

 

Isabela rented a small apartment just above The Hanged Man, and although it was cramped and her neighbors were loud, it was home. Isabela made a fact of this by very rarely leaving the apartment, other than to hangout with Hawke or go down to the bar below. 

 

Often times Merrill was her only house guest, partly due to the fact that she lived so close and partly because she didn't mind the close quarters, especially if it meant being closer to Isabela. 

 

Today was one of the few days that Isabela felt some cabin fever, so when a familiar car horn sounded from down below, signaling Hawke’s arrival, Isabela and Merrill both walked down the stairs to the small resident parking lot. 

 

“Hello my lovely ladies!” Hawke greeted, as the pair clambered into the backseat. “Hello, Hawke!” Merrill replied sweetly “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to text you but my phone died, and no one ever seems to have a charger for me.” 

 

“That’s because you have an iphone 4, Kitten.” Isabela said, leaning her head on Merrill’s shoulder. “I just don’t have time to go get a new phone.” Merrill replied “Besides, I like my crappy little phone! It has sentimental value.” 

 

“How about this,” Hawke began “We go get some tea and sweets, and then we go to the apple store and get Merrill a new phone?” Merrill considered the idea for a moment before nodding resignedly. 

 

“I suppose it is about time to turn my old, tired baby in.” Merrill said, frowning.

  
  


In Kirkwall’s city center there was a huge shopping mall, cleverly named the Kirkmall. The building’s cold and modern exterior clashed greatly with the historic buildings of hightown’s square. The street parking was hell but hightown’s compact aesthetic allowed for very little space for an actual parking lot. Hawke, now an expert on navigating Kirkwall’s car-crowded streets, quickly found a space not too far from the mall’s entrance. 

 

Merrill exited the backseat apprehensively, and quickly reached for Isabela’s hand. Growing up in the country, Merrill was never used to large crowds. When her family traveled they tried to stay out of the cities. Humans weren’t kind to elves and Merrill’s family was no exception. 

 

Isabela eyed Merrill. “You alright love?” 

 

“Yes it’s just the crowd. Don’t want to get lost.” Isabela smiled and nodded. “Well if you do get lost just look for Hawke. His height makes him a practical landmark.” Merrill gave a look of understanding, but still squeezed Isabela’s hand as the sliding doors parted, revealing the unruly chaos inside the Kirkmall.  

 

The moment the trio stepped inside, they were bombarded by noise. Groups of people speaking in progressively louder voices, shop managers barking orders to sales clerks, and the harsh clash of music coming from several different directions at once. “Welp.” Hawke said, placing his hands on his hips. “Welcome to hell.”

 

“My thinking is that we find the Apple store, get Merrill an iphone 7 because it’s cheaper than most things right now, and get out.” Isabela proposed. Merrill nodded enthusiastically to the plan. “That sounds good to me. Shall we, ladies?” Hawke asked, holding his arm out for Merrill to take. She did, still holding Isabela’s hand, and they were off.

  
  


The Apple store was on the second floor, which should have only taken them 5 minutes to get to, but between the crowds and Merrill’s tendencies to get distracted, it was more like 30. Surprisingly, the Apple store was mostly empty, save for a group teens taking selfies on the trial phones and a few other adults actually looking for a phone they wanted. 

 

“Hey guys, can I help you with anything today?” A voice said from behind the group, causing Merrill to jump and Hawke to yelp in surprise. The face they were greeted with was freckled and smiling, dirty blonde hair almost covering their eyes, “Well yes...” Hawke said squinting and leaning in to read the name tag clipped to their blue shirt. “Cody! I think you could!” Hawke said, beaming at the employee. “We are on a quest today to get my dear friend, Merrill here, a new phone! We don’t want anything too expensive though, so we are on a budget.” Cody nodded in understanding. “Well let me show you around and we can figure something out!”

 

The next hour was filled with trying out various phones, Isabela and Hawke playing games on said phones, and  _ lots  _ of selfies. Finally Merrill decided on a simple rose gold iphone 7. “Excellent choice, Madam.” Cody said, with a sweeping bow. 

 

The total came out to 549 dollars. 

 

“Yikes.” said Isabela. She rifled around in her purse for a moment before fishing out her wallet. Isabela held her credit card out for Cody to take, but instead Hawke snatched it from her hand and replaced it with his own card. “Please,” he said, bowing dramatically. “My treat.”

 

“Wow,” Cody began, sarcasm dripping from their voice. “What a gentleman.” 

 

“I know, I’m so generous aren’t I?”

 

“Uh-huh, yeah.” 

 

After a signature from Merrill they were out the door once again, Cody leaning over the counter waving as the trio disappeared into the throng of people in the mall’s greater area. 

  
  


oOo

  
  


**Private message from fenris. to dragonlover_**

 

**fenris.:** so are we going to actually literally fight?

 

**dragonlover_:** uhuhuhhhhh i mean

 

**dragonlover_:** we could?

 

**dragonlover_:** it was mostly a goof but i am interested in meeting you :0!!!!! like irl

 

**fenris.** : ah well im certain i’ll be able to kick your ass over something while im there 

 

**fenris.:** that is not to say i am not interested in meeting you

 

**dragonlover_:** sjskjssjkkjsk 

 

**dragonlover_:** if you do come over me n varric can show you some of kirkwalls,,,,,,, finer features,,,, so you can finally admit that kirkwall is a better city that fucking  _ starkhaven _

 

**fenris.:** hmm unlikely but i can appreciate your enthusiasm

 

**dragonlover_:** we have like?? a cool bar that only sometimes gives you food poisoning and our city officials are corrupt with power so 

 

**dragonlover_:** its pretty much the greatest city ever

 

**fenris.:** sounds riveting

 

**dragonlover_:** it is tbh

 

**dragonlover_:** i broke up at least 3 bar fights just last night

 

**fenris.:** and apparently you have dragons? according to your near death experience from a few nights ago

 

**dragonlover_:** oh heLL YEAH

 

**dragonlover_:** i heard a rumor abt it from some guys who worked down there and i HAD to check it out

 

**dragonlover_:** it was totally worth almost dying for

 

**fenris.:** how is the cut you got healing by the way?

 

**dragonlover_:** its super itchy but otherwise its fine i guess

 

**fenris.:** i am glad you arent somehow dying from such a wound

 

**dragonlover_:** dying from smth as dumb as that certainly sounds like something id do tbh 

 

**fenris.:** i do have it on good authority that you are a fuck up

 

**dragonlover_:** SJKDSJDK WHO SAID THAT

 

**fenris.:** varric, isabela, both your siblings, aveline, and merrill said you “can be quite clumsy at times :(“ 

 

**dragonlover_:** I FEEL SO ATTACKED

 

**fenris.:** hey i have to get to my shift in a few minutes but we should? actually make plans about my visit. im starting to look forward to it despite myself

 

**dragonlover_:** oh!! yeah deffo!!!! 

 

**dragonlover_:** ill save my finest bottle of wine for your arival

 

**fenris.:** let me guess? a $5 bottle of pinot grigio from the market that you bought this afternoon?

 

**dragonlover_:** sdhjksj you know me so well

 

**dragonlover_:** okay anyway if youre done  _ slandering  _ my good name have a good day wat work!!!!!!!!

 

**fenris.:** thank you hawke. have a good evening 

 

**dragonlover_:** :)

  
  


oOo

  
  


**Private message from dragonlover_ to TheWriter**

 

**dragonlover_:** bad news

 

**dragonlover_:** your boy caught feelings

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to Cody who helps me out with this fic a lot (also the name sake of the helpful apple store employee this chapter)!!!!! please follow them on tumblr: mariefox13 !!
> 
> while youre there you should follow me!! battleaxeprofficiency of tumblr!! 
> 
> thank you for reading and sorry agin about being,, 5 MONTHS LATE SKJSDKD

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this may be the worst thing ever but i love group chat fics and i love da2 and theyre ARE the meme team sooooo idk man
> 
> this is mostly just a mess of my shitty ideas of what a modern thedas would be like but mostly shit posting ft the da2 crew
> 
> special thanks to my friend cody for helping me come up with everyones usernames ;0


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